An Urban Hat Trick

I moved to the city two years ago from the outskirts of Illinois vaguely known as South of I-80, but its only recently I feel I've earned my city credentials. Last week my bike was stolen, and just this morning, I saw a guy jerking off on the Red Line - in rush hour.

The bike was chained to a fence on the side of my house, which is also closed off by a locked steel gate. I thought that was sufficient, but when I tell friends, they say, "oh, you had a chain lock, no wonder." Well thanks Ann Landers, but where were you during the year and a half I successfully had my bike?

As for being the unwitting witness to a morning game of pocket pool, I'll spare the disgusting details. But I will say, from now on, I'm renewing my efforts to keep my distance and my eyes to myself on the El. And I'm buying an economy size bottle of hand sanitizer.

So a bike stolen, and a marauding masturbater - I'm just waiting to get physically assaulted by a cop, and I'll feel I've completed some sort of urban hat trick. God I love Chicago!